Botched Spot

What can you expect of Wrestlemania 33, the Ultimate Thrill Ride? What can anyone expect from a thrill ride? Long lines, thirty seconds of excitement, and then a sick feeling afterwards? I think WWE is on track.

There are a grand total of thirteen matches, two musical acts, and a bunch of New Day segments planned, so it’s going to be a full day. While I can’t hide that I’m less than thrilled with some of the decisions made leading up to Sunday, there are still plenty of big match ups headed our way!

The 2017 Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

I get that this match is more about getting as many superstars onto the Wrestlemania card as possible than it is about a big ol’ buttery trophy, but I still think they could do a lot more to build it up. Once the match is over you never hear about it again! Even Baron Corbin doesn’t mention his win, and it’s literally his only accomplishment in his five years with WWE. There might be a few fun surprise entrants, but hopefully no big returns are wasted on this meaningless match (looking at you, Finn).

Who will win: BRAAAAAAAUN! Maybe Sami could pull off some kind of underdog win, but I doubt it.

Neville vs. Austin Aries for The Cruiserweight Championship

This could easily be one of the best matches at Wrestlemania, pre-show or no. While it sucked that Austin Aries was sidelined with an injury late last year, doing commentary on cruiserweight matches was a great opportunity to showcase who he is as a character (a confident jerk) and lead it into this Wrestlemania match.

Who will win: Austin Aries, because I’m not sure who else Neville can feud with if he beats Aries right off the bat.

Alexa Bliss vs. Becky Lynch vs. Natalya vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Naomi for the WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship

Naomi’s surprise return guarantees her win in my eyes. Wrestlemania takes place in her hometown, so conventional wisdom says she will lose, but… I don’t know, maybe I just want her to win.

Who will win: Naomi

Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose for the Intercontinental Championship

I like Ambrose and I want to like Corbin, but somehow I keep forgetting about this match. I’m not even sure what to expect. It was built around Corbin viciously attacking Dean with a forklift, but for some reason Dean just keeps joking about it. I don’t feel like anyone involved is taking it seriously, so I’m not sure why I should.

Who will win: Baron Corbin, so he has an accomplishment other than winning the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal last year.

Enzo and Cass vs. Cesaro and Sheamus vs. Gallows and Anderson for the WWE Raw Tag Team Championships

These teams have fought so many times now! I don’t know what else to say!

Who will win: Enzo and Cass because out of all the hundreds of times we’ve seen these men fight, that’s the only outcome that hasn’t already happened.

Bayley vs. Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax for the WWE Raw Women’s Championship

I’ve seen a lot of complaints about Nia’s inclusion in this match, but it doesn’t bother me. For one thing, I’m confident that the three more experienced women will be able to work around Nia, with her only having to come in and clean house a couple of times in the match. Also, I’ve already seen every combination on Bayley, Charlotte, and Sasha in a match, so just repeating that again wouldn’t really excite me. Welcome to the championship picture, Nia!

Who will win: Sasha. Since it’s elimination style, I’m guessing it will come down to Bayley vs. Sasha, giving the Boss the perfect opportunity to turn heel and run the division for a while.

AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon

Out of all the wrestlers that WWE employs, Shane McMahon had to pick AJ to wrestle him at Wrestlemania. I get that Shane, for whatever reason, thinks he should have a match at Wrestlemania. I get that the McMahons have even convinced themselves that this extremely plain, if somewhat affable man is a good and credible wrestler. But does he have to deprive us of a great Wrestlemania match for AJ? Not only that, but this guy who’s known for doing one dumb spot every few years is now in a regular singles match. The idea that the fans at Wrestlemania will cheer for Shane over AJ is also equally baffling. I am baffled.

Who will win: AJ Styles because he HAS TO.

Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens for the United States Championship

This is my main event, dammit. This feud has had the best build up out of all the matches at Wrestlemania, with a long history to it (for WWE) and a real reason for both men to hate each other. It was only a year ago that Jericho was seen as another stale part timer and now he’s reinvented himself into one of the top babyfaces!

Who will win: Kevin Owens. I just can’t imagine Jericho doing anything other than putting over the younger guy.

Nikki Bella and John Cena vs. Maryse and The Miz

When news first broke on this match a couple of months ago I hated it… But now it’s one of the matches I’m looking forward to the most! The build for it has been great, with all participants “shooting” just enough about behind the scenes stuff without pulling back the curtain too much. Miz and Maryse have been so spot on with their Total Bellas impersonations, while still being heelish enough to keep from getting cheered (like Miz constantly backing down from Cena). Look… as far as match quality is concerned I have no doubt that it will be bad, and I could easily see this going the “Goldberg” route of only lasting thirty seconds, but it’s been a fun ride nonetheless.

Who will win: John Cena and Nikki Bella and maybe John will propose!

The Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

How painful was it to hear Undertaker say “the Ultimate Thrillride” last Monday? This match doesn’t really have me interested in the outcome as much as whether or not Undertaker will still be able to walk afterwards. Rumor has it that he’s been beat up for a while, so I hope he makes it through okay. I’m not expecting much in terms of match quality due to Taker’s condition, but I’ll at least enjoy Roman acting like a heel for this one match (though I’m guessing he’ll go back to being a white meat babyface the next night).

Who will win: Roman Reigns. He beat Strowman, now Undertaker, and soon he’ll beat Brock for the title.

Triple H vs. Seth Rollins in a Non-Sanctioned Match

Triple H vs. Seth should be one of the most anticipated matches, but somehow it seems to be falling flat with the audience on Raw. I don’t know if it’s due to Seth’s ill advised heel turn when he came back from injury last October or they’re playing up the injured leg too much (we all know he wouldn’t be allowed to wrestle if his leg wasn’t 100%), but it feels like Triple H and Seth have been fighting with the crowd to get them to cheer for him.

Who will win: Seth Rollins

Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Championship

This feud has been fun, or at least more fun that any Orton feud I can remember. It’s also been planned out better and is far more consistent than any other feud going into Wrestlemania, except possibly Owens vs. Jericho. It was a nice change of pace and for once I didn’t mind WWE being so predictable with Orton turning on Wyatt after joining him. WWE is leaning hard into the “supernatural” side with this feud, so while I hope these two will have a great match, I’ll be a little disappointed if we don’t see some magical special effects take place too.

Who will win: Randy Orton, because it will be a fitting end to his whole “destroy the Wyatts” storyline.

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg for the Universal Championship

There’s a lot of questions surrounding this match, but none of them are really good ones for WWE. Will their match last longer than 30 seconds? Will Goldberg seriously injure himself? If he loses the title can he even come back for a rematch? Will the match be a huge disappointment like their Wrestlemania 20 match? I can admit that objectively Goldberg has had a nice little return storyline: he came back, beat the biggest guy on the roster, won the championship, and got to Wrestlemania. Nice, right? I’m ready for it to be over.

Who will win: Brock Lesnar

 
So that’s Wrestlemania! I feel confident about most of my predictions, or at least the ones for the big matches. Dean vs. Baron I’m not so sure on. While I’m not head over heels for any of the matches, a lot of them still feel like they’re Wrestlemania-caliber, thanks to a long build up or the part timers coming out of hibernation. What do you all think? Am I way off on my predictions or what?