The Extreme Rules “special” (since “pay per view” doesn’t qualify anymore) is creating a big problem for me. Every time in the past when we would order a PPV we always ordered a ton of junk food to go with it in order to have the best viewing experience. This worked for us because we’d really only ever order the Big Four PPVs and maybe one or two of the in between ones, so it wasn’t a big financial strain and we didn’t feel guilty over eating a ton of junk. But now with them being “specials” on the WWE Network, we essentially are getting all of them, even the ones we normally wouldn’t watch like Extreme Rules. So should we still order a bunch of junk food and devote the whole night to watching it? Or should we treat it like Raw/ Smackdown and kind of watch the matches we’re interested in, but mostly work on drawing stuff, checking twitter, or playing video games? I’m not complaining, I’m happy to be able to watch Extreme Rules through the Network, but at the same time I realize that I’m entering a bold new world of wrestling-watching, and I have to, in the words of Triple H, “evolve or perish.” On to the predictions!

El Torito vs. Hornswoggle in a WeeLC match
In today’s world of bringing up terrible misfires in wrestling in order to make a catchy video/shirt/meme about it, I’m always surprised that the WWE’s brief “Juniors” division isn’t brought up more. It was everything you hate about this match, but in a division with it’s own wrestlers and entrance graphic. I can’t remember if there was a championship though… Anyway, I’m predicting a win for El Torito, presumably after goring Hornswoggle in his nether regions.

Big E vs. Bad News Barrett
Bad News Barrett has so much momentum going into this match that I think he’s going to pull it off. He’s been ripe for a push and a real title run for a while now, and I think this BNB gimmick is just what he needs to pull it off. He got close to the world title as the stuffy English leader of the Nexus, floundered a bit as the “business is booming” boxer businessman, but as the smarmy asshole who brings bad news to people? He’s gold. Big E. hasn’t had much of a presence at all during this tournament, so I feel like there was a good chance that whoever won the tournament would go on to win the gold anyway.

Paige vs. Tamina Snuka
I’m pretty sure Paige is going to win this one and at some point AJ will come back for a real feud with her over the belt. That being said, I think Tamina and Paige will have a great match together. Paige is being pushed as an underdog and I think it’s going to work a lot better against the larger Tamina than it does when she faces the jobbers of the Divas division like Aksana.

Alexander Rusev vs. Xavier Woods and R-Truth
It’s the easy pick of the night. Rusev will win cleanly and definitively. I don’t know what the future holds for these competitors, but I imagine Xavier and R-Truth having a brief career in jobbing, Rusev having a brief Tensai-ish failed push, and Lana going on to Total Divas. I’ll let you decide which fate is worse.

Jack Swagger vs. RVD vs. Cesaro
All I can imagine RVD thinking is “I came back for this?!” I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really wish it were a tag match with Paul Heyman and Zeb Colter teaming with their clients. Actually it wouldn’t surprise me at all if that’s where this is headed, so I’ll cautiously pick Rob Van Dam to win so he can go on to better things and Heyman and Colter can continue to go at it.

John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt
This feud has gone too far to end at Extreme Rules, so I’m picking Wyatt to win as a way to continue it. It COULD end here with Cena winning, but that would make Wyatt look a little like a chump, so I don’t think it will happen. Given that Wyatt doesn’t seem to want to beat Cena in the ring as much as screw with his mind, I don’t feel like it really matters if he wins or loses. I’m still looking forward to this match though, based off of the quality of their Wrestlemania match.

Evolution vs. the Shield
I may be in the minority here, but I think the Shield are going to win. It will probably be them just squeaking out a win after getting their butts kicked for most of the match, but I just don’t see Evolution winning. Which is weird considering at the last PPV all three of them were involved in the main event. Maybe they will win! But I’m putting my online credibility on the Shield. Either way I see some kind of post match beat down to continue the feud.

Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Am I the only one who thinks this will close out the show? I’m picking Bryan to win of course! Kane’s the big filler monster when it comes to in between feuds, so I don’t see him having much of a chance at all. And for that matter, I’m still not sure why Orton never got his rematch either. I get that “storyline wise” Triple H convinced Orton that he’d have to get rid of the Shield before going after Bryan, but, y’know, that’s kind of dumb. My hope is that Bryan pins Kane cleanly to end this feud before it gets much traction. I don’t hate it, but I want to see Bryan defending against real contenders, not someone who got jobbed out in five minutes at Wrestlemania only a month ago.

So there’s Extreme Rules 2014. Not very Extreme in my opinion, but with Wrestlemania 30 coming off pretty solid last month I’m willing to give them a chance.