Botched Spot

Alright, I watch Days of Our Lives. I admit it! My wife and I have been watching since January-ish of this year and haven’t looked back. And why not watch it? It’s another serial tv show. Everyone including Linda McMahon says wrestling is a soap opera, so why can’t I enjoy one and not the other? I’m not ashamed. I’m not ashamed. I’m kind of ashamed, but it’s not going to keep me from writing this blog post.

And the reason why I brought it up is the one thing that wrestling easily has over soap operas: Pay Per Views. Not that I really want to pay to watch soaps, but pay per views serve as an accumulation of all the storylines going on, if not completely ending them, at least adding a plot point. Actual soap operas don’t have that guiding hand to say, “hey… let’s move this story along, alright?” Instead they tread water for too long! So I took a break from thesis writing to lay out what I think would be a pretty good card right now for Days of our Lives if they were to have their own Summerslam. Or, if you will, a “Days of our Slams”. And for the record, the photoshop skills displayed in this fake wrestling card are the skills that earned me the right to be a co-fed head of an e-fed for four months! And if you don’t know what an e-fed is… you’re better off.

Granted if you aren’t with me in the 1% of wrestling fans who watches Days of our Lives, you might not get a lot out of this, so I’ll also add that I enjoyed TNA’s very special episode last Thursday, though TNA Reaction seemed a waste of time, I like Alex Riley of NXT Season 2 more than before but continue to vote for Husky Harris, and I was going to buy Summerslam, until I realized the only match I’m really interested in is Nexus vs. Team WWE- not worth $45 to me. …Although if I’d known about Daniel Bryan’s return I would have bought it in a heartbeat. But anyway, on with the show:

THE MAIN EVENT
Bo Brady and Dr. Carly Manning vs. Hope Brady and Dr. Richard Baker

The Background: Dr. Carly Manning wedged her way between Days’ supercouple Bo and Hope, driving Hope to turn evil and go on a crime spree against the men of Salem with the help of hapless schmoe Dr. Richard Baker. At the urging of friends and loved ones, Bo and Hope agree to settle their marriage… IN THE RING!

Wrestling Comparison: Macho Man and Sensational Sherry having a match against Miss Elizabeth and Koko B. Ware.

The Finish: The finish comes when Carly viciously attacks Hope with a chair, leading Bo to instinctively rush to Hope’s aid, showing concern. The chairshots knock Hope back to her senses, leading Bo and Hope to share a passionate kiss before taking out their tag partners together for a feel good no contest!

EVENING GOWN MATCH
Maggie Horton vs. Vivian Alamain w/ Victor Kiriakis as special enforcer

The Background: Millionaire businessman Victor Kiriakis married Vivian to keep her out of trouble- but no sooner did the two exchange vows before Victor became smitten with Salem’s Mary Worth equivalent, Maggie Horton, filling Vivian with a desire to seek revenge… IN THE RING!

Wrestling Comparison: Vince McMahon when he “divorced” Linda and began a relationship with Trish Stratus. Except instead of Trish pretend it’s Mae Young.

The Finish: Halfway through the match Maggie starts looking weary and only gets worse as the match goes on. For the finish, the ref finds tiny poisoned pins sticking out of the tips of Vivian’s gloves and shoes, and goes to call for a disqualification, but it is too late! Maggie is already dead. Victor comes in to reprimand Vivian, but she shoots him and plays with his blood.

I QUIT MATCH
Rafe Hernandez vs. EJ DiMera w/ Sami Brady as special referee

The Background: Son of a crime lord and an all around baby kidnapper, EJ DiMera has been fighting with FBI agent Rafe Hernandez for the affections of Salem’s favorite reformed bad girl and all around baby factory Sami Brady. Sami loves both men despite EJ kidnapping their baby and Rafe being too tied up in his work. But now she’ll have to decide between them… IN THE RING!

Wrestling Comparison: Think of when Stephanie McMahon was in a relationship with Test but married Triple H.

The Finish: After getting the crap beat out of him the entire match, for the finish EJ finally manages to lock Rafe in a powerful submission maneuver that the FBI agent can’t seem to fight his way out of. Unable to stand seeing Rafe in such pain, Sami ends the match, declaring EJ the winner despite Rafe never actually quitting. As Rafe angrily objects, Sami kicks him in the junk, turning into the heel persona that made her famous.

BRADY BLACK ON A POLE MATCH
Arianna Hernandez vs. Nicole DiMera

The Background: Right as reformed drug dealer Arianna Hernandez was going to marry recovering alcoholic Brady Black, notorious baby switcher Nicole DiMera broke out of jail to ruin their special day. Nicole has been relentlessly trying to break up the pair since, even planting fake evidence against Arianna. Brady does what any chivalrous man would do- climb up a pole and let the women fight over him… IN THE RING!

Wrestling Comparison: Any time two women have fought over a man. I think maybe that happened to Val Venis once? I’m kind of drawing a blank on this one.

The Finish: In the middle of their battle, Arianna and Nicole catch a glimpse of Brady winking and flirting with other women in the audience from atop his pole. The women work together to pull his ass down and curb stomp him into oblivion.

THE UNDERCARD…

TRIPLE THREAT “LOSER BREAKS UP” MIXED TAG TEAM MATCH!
Philip and Melanie Kiriakis vs. Nathan Horton and Stephanie Johnson vs. Dr. Daniel Jonas and Chloe Lane

Match Description: These would be power couples fight to prove who truly belongs together despite more secrets, affairs, illegitimate children, and birth control issues than you could stuff in an issue of Soap Opera Digest!

MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH- Winner gets a main spot in a major storyline.
Gus Pascal(Vivian’s henchman wedding planner) vs. Gabi Hernandez vs. Anna DiMera vs. Abe Carver vs. Dr. Lexie Carver vs. Justin Kiriakis vs. Shane Donovan

Match Description: Days’ has-beens, never-weres, and not-right-nows battle it out for a chance to see who gets to be the next person to have an affair with Bo Brady or father Sami’s next child!

YOUR MOTHER’S A WHORE MATCH
Will Horton vs. Chad Petersen

Match Description: Days’ resident angsty teens fight it out over their moms’ honor despite the fact that one has like seven kids all from different men and the other’s mom is a hooker turned judge turned dead person at the bottom of a flight of stairs!

LITTLE KID BATTLE ROYAL DARK MATCH
Ciara Brady vs. Theo Carver vs. Johnny DiMera vs. Sydney DiMera vs. Allie Horton vs. Zack Brady

Match Description: All the Days’ children, bastards, orphans, and all fight it out in this adorable confrontation!

Oh, and Salem’s resident gangster couple Stephano and Kate DiMera would perform commentary.

So I think that’d be a pretty good card for the show. If Days did something like that I might lay down money for it, but they’ll probably stick with the same slow, drawn out storytelling style that takes forever to get anywhere… and I’ll keep watching. Hm… maybe next time I need a break I’ll try to think up a card for a Jurassic Park reunion show or for the Peanuts comic strip! The Red Baron vs. the Kite Eating Tree? I think so.