Mattel and WWE. The company known for putting out a billion different types of Barbies has been putting out WWE action figures for a while now, and overall I’m impressed! Now mind you I’m no toy collector (even though I had a subscription to ToyFare magazine all throughout high school- super popular!), but I think the figures look way closer to the wrestlers they’re based on than the old Jakks Pacific toys, and are in fairly decent proportion to each other, which is the only real criteria that I have for wrestling action figures.

However, the one thing I do find curious- and this is where the Mattel/ Barbie connection comes in- is that while the Jakks Pacific figures had accessories like chairs, sledgehammers, and other sorts of weapons, the new “Elite Collection” Mattel figures come packaged with… clothes. Now as much as I love a Batista figure with a ridiculously tight referee shirt, the similarities between these clothed superstars and the Barbies that Mattel’s famous for are too close to be coincidence! Mattel is obviously trying to recreate their success with Barbies for the WWE toys, starting with removable clothes, and ending with… dream houses? Beach Party Cruisers? My guess- pets. But whereas Barbie and her friends had horses, puppies, and kitties, I think the pets that will come with the WWE action figures would be a little different. What follows are my predictions for some of the possible pet accessories that could come with the superstars…

1. Edge’s Failure Turtle

Coming straight from Edge’s amazing 2009 promo in which he accused the audience of curling up and hiding in their shells all day long, the Edge action figure would be accompanied by the Failure Turtle! Edge would come with a stick or ruler of some sort to abuse him with.

2. CM Punk’s Hairless Cat

He doesn’t drink. He doesn’t smoke. He doesn’t eat Meow Mix. Taking Punk’s obsession with shaved heads to a new level, only a hairless cat would satisfy Punk’s desire for feline companionship.

3. Big Show’s Tiger

Off of Big Show’s tattoo and into your home, it’s Big Show’s clawing tiger! Comes complete with sense of regret and the sound of friends laughing behind your back.

4. Michael Cole’s Talking Parrot

Copying his master perfectly, this parrot repeats everything that he hears! Which in this case is only “Vintage”. Actually, I don’t know if there ever has been a Michael Cole action figure, or if there ever will be, but if it doesn’t have a parrot or transform into a parrot or something, I will be severely disappointed!

5. Chris Jericho’s Parasitic Tapeworm

This cute little fella will keep Jericho company while he accuses WWE fans of being hypocrites, sycophants, and, yes, parasitic tapeworms! Just don’t play with him in the tub, there’s no telling where this scamp’ll go!